How to feel better about yourself after having a baby

It’s common to hear that having a baby rocks your world. Unfortunately, it’s also one of these things that no one can truly comprehend until they go through it themselves. You know you will be tired. Yes, you know your body may change. You know it will be hard, at least in the beginning. You’re prepared to not sleep as well for some time. But you don’t know how much these things will really affect you. Everyone’s experience is different, and every baby is unique. There is just no way to prepare.

At the same time, we’re expected to find our footing in motherhood immediately. It’s traditionally touted as wholly natural and self-realizing for women. Well, it’s not that simple. My son is the most beautiful, joyous thing that ever happened to me, but it’s been also the hardest.

The omnipresent pressure for new moms to “bounce back” and return to social or work life can be a source of many frustrations. I know it was for me. However, it’s important to find ways to feel better about yourself after having a baby.

Feeling like myself again…

The most important are the new baby, the physical and mental health of a mom, and the stability and health of the family. Everything else takes a back seat for a while.

It took me almost 2 years to even remotely start feeling like I resembled the “old” version of myself. And, not to scare anyone – this is my unique timeline. Many factors compounded this, and the “resurfacing” process was slow and gradual. Ultimately, I realized that the old me no longer exists. And the new one doesn’t care about some of the same things I used to. But I still cared about the others. Like looking good and feeling good about myself, even though it was nowhere near the priorities.

I became a stay-at-home, breastfeeding, co-sleeping mom. You could call me “crunchy,” but I wasn’t trying to be. I was trying to do my best with the resources I had. Just like any other mom, whether she wanted or had to go back to work or her baby was formula-fed. It makes me a little sad that these complex choices have become so divisive in mother communities.

My son refused any bottles at 4 months old. My husband wasn’t able to help with feeding or night waking anymore. Our baby was a terrible sleeper and had reflux issues. I had to eat my own words: “I will never co-sleep” when I took him to my (safe sleep 7-proofed) bed. It was just sheer survival mode at that point.

…But who is she?

It took me almost two years to seek professional help with postpartum anxiety. It started the moment my son was born. Even though I always strongly encourage everyone to seek mental health support, I had a severe case of imposter syndrome. I felt maybe I wasn’t struggling enough, like other people’s problems were more “real” or “worthy” than mine. I read somewhere that anxiety is not really that different from profoundly caring about someone. However, one is seen as “bad”, and the other as desirable in a mother. And I was trying to be a perfect one. Any therapist will tell you, that’s setting yourself up for a failure.

Because of being a stay-at-home mom (which I’m privileged and grateful to be), I abandoned my career, social circles, daily routines. Even my work wardrobe. I didn’t have time for hobbies. I felt those things defined me, so I didn’t know who I was anymore besides being a mom. And don’t get me wrong- I am still the happiest I’ve ever been. But I felt boring, as I didn’t know what to talk about with people except for my baby. My days and nights were centered around him after all. But I still wanted to feel better about myself.

The body

I grew a little older, and my body has changed. “I’m almost hitting mid-thirties!” realized my forever 25-year-old inner self. It doesn’t matter if you lose all pregnancy weight or not; the body still changes in many profound ways. Even the way you feel about your body or certain parts of it. I started loving the features I previously hated, seeing them now in my son’s face. Breastfeeding desexualized my breasts. They were just out and about, and that’s just how my son was being fed. But I didn’t love my new c-section shelf. And yes, we are all grateful for our bodies that create new lives. But I don’t think it needs to be exclusive to admitting that we want to feel better inside of them, too. Both feelings are valid.

For most of that first year, I felt like a zombie. I also probably smelled like one for a sizable amount of time. I lived in a drab nursing GAP pajama and robe set. But as my baby grew more independent, I started carving these little pockets of time for myself. And over time, they compounded to change.

Call me selfish or vapid, but it encompassed not only my mental state and well-being. But my physical looks as well. And I wanted to share what worked for me, in case it can help anyone else.

1. PHYSICAL Health check

That 6 week’s postpartum visit to the doctor is the first and crucial step before attempting anything else. We need to be evaluated to resume things like exercise and sexual life. Or any drastic diet changes.

2. Mental health support

If you feel like you are not yourself and that you might need help, don’t wait for anybody to advocate for you or diagnose you (except for professionals). Friends and family might have outdated views on getting psychological support and what it entails. There is still a lot of stigma, misconceptions, and stereotypes about postpartum depression, anxiety, or psychosis. Only we know if we’re feeling our best or the opposite of that. Even though I have a loving and supportive family, they still don’t fully understand why I need therapy and meds. I had to tune them out and take care of myself. Pregnancy, childbirth, and 4^th trimester are sources of incredible and tumultuous changes in our hormone levels. Is it really so wild to think they can affect our moods and thoughts?

Therapy is an incredible tool for anyone looking for personal growth and healing. It can help us feel more confident after having a baby, heal old traumas, and transform our mindset so we can set up positive examples and model healthy behaviours for our children.

I am also trying to educate myself on neurodivergence and becoming an ally. I believe diving into various resources can help many people understand themselves better, even without going through official diagnostic processes. The more we know ourselves, the more we can expand our support systems and resources, and the better we can potentially help our children.

3. Beauty routines

Slowly going back to self-care and beauty routines. Or coming with new, simplified ones. Showering every day might be challenging, but that’s okay. Things will get easier over time. I went from a 6-step beauty routine pre-pregnancy to maybe applying face cream every other day. I don’t think new moms need or have time for 6-step routines. But going back to washing my face in the morning and before sleep and applying some de-puffing and hydrating products regularly significantly affected how I looked and felt for the better.

The superficial beauty is not the most crucial thing in the world, sure. But if it matters to us, we can pursue it without being called vapid or shallow. As a new mom, my baby was my priority, but I wanted to feel good looking back at photographs of myself with the baby. Not with that ugly, sinking gut feeling. I wanted my son and husband to look at me and think I was beautiful. And to look in the mirror and love myself, not slither by it, pretending it was not there. I didn’t want my low self-esteem to dim the light I was radiating in this monumental time of my life. I wanted to be a woman, not just a wife or mother.

4. Self-discovery

Becoming a mother, turbulent by nature, can bring to the surface the parts of ourselves that were hidden or dormant before. It can crystallize some behaviors and patterns that define us. When the first haze of new motherhood clears, we better understand who we truly are. How we deal with hardships, and how strong we can be. Our best, but also our worst.

It never ceases to amaze me how mothers juggle work and home life. They give so much love to their children and closest people, and deal with countless things that make up the daily mental load. Women in my mom group take excellent care of their children, career, homes. They can cook, bake, take care of the garden, decorate, buy thoughtful gifts, support others, read books. These women are funny, talented, intelligent, articulate, interested in politics; are dedicated to anything they set their minds on. They are incredibly self-aware, open to feedback, work on themselves to be a better partner, parent, family member and friend.

And they do it because they want to. Or they don’t, and that’s ok too. I’m not saying we should all be doing this. A lot of this hard work goes unnoticed or unappreciated. In the ideal world, we would all have someone to share the load with, equal parts of it.

Unfortunately, very often, women do it alone. As a daughter of a single mom, I remain in awe of the strength of a woman. Even though it’s hard, there is no better proof of character. But we are our worst critics. I’m trying to say that mothers are amazing, and we should stop once in a while and appreciate ourselves for who we truly are, and what we’re capable of.

5. Mom-group support

Motherhood can be incredibly isolating. It is sometimes hard to find real, unbiased, non-judgemental support. Making mom friends in real life is difficult for many reasons. While there are many problems with the Internet, some mom groups, like those on Reddit and Facebook, can be a source of incredible understanding.

I especially recommend finding groups based on the same due date. These women go through the exact same stages, issues, and problems at the same time that we do. As we’re trying to find ways to feel better about ourselves after having a baby, we find others that strive to do the same.

The online groups will not be for everyone. Some content might be harmful and not science-based. If we can filter through that, it can make us feel less alone.

6. Meditation

For a lot of people, like my closest family members, mental wellness and meditation are still somewhat in a woo-woo, frou-frou realm of mystics and magic. I tried describing simple breathing techniques and recommend the apps, but the resistance is there, and they just won’t try it. But there is a lot of science backing up breathing techniques that can help with stress, anxiety and sleep. There is nothing to lose by trying, and the results might surprise you.

Meditation helped me to fall asleep when I was pregnant, with a thousand worried thoughts racing through my body. And it produced more restful sleep. These techniques can become really useful during birth, postpartum, and many other life challenges. It is a skill for life. And it costs nothing. With a clear mind, we can see everything in a better light.

My favorites are breathing-based meditations but also those using a beautiful, deep man’s voice (oh well ;)) or sounds of nature, like forests or waves. I recommend everyone try to see what works best for them.

SMILING MIND APP

This is my favorite app to recommend for people wanting to try meditation for the first time. It’s developed and supported by a 100% not-for-profit Australian organization, without government funding. They have content available for kids and adults, and their mission is to create accessible, generational change in mental health for individuals and families.

7. Exercise, but keep the bar low

To “bounce back” might be the most hated phrase in the mother community. It suggests the process can be easy, quick, and joyous when it is everything but. It hints that the hardest period of our life and it’s impact on our body and mind can be somehow reversed. Well, it can’t.

I know everyone everywhere says: exercise, but I recommend starting with a 10-minute core exercise if you can’t muster up anything else. I didn’t have time or energy (or a nanny) to go to the gym. Or for anything elaborate or time-consuming. I also had to do it early in the morning, after breakfast, when I had the most energy. Otherwise, I wouldn’t do it at all. The core routine helped reduce my back pain (from carrying, rocking, and breastfeeding the baby) tremendously. And it was just so simple to lie down on the floor with a video on, with no equipment needed, baby crawling around.

Changing the focus from “losing weight” or “getting back to the previous figure” to gaining strength and improving overall health might be challenging, but it can help us feel positive and enjoy the process.

It is important to get assessed by a health professional, like a doctor, physical therapist, or pelvic floor specialist. Many women suffer from conditions caused by pregnancy, like urine incontinence, back pain, pelvic floor weakness. But we don’t have to.

I was told I had no abdominal separation, but I still followed the diastasis recti exercise routine just to be safe. These exercises are designed for the postpartum period to tighten and strengthen the core and won’t cause further abdominal separation. On the contrary. We know it’s impossible to spot-reduce fat, but tightening the muscles and reducing the gap visibly helps with the midsection looking tighter.

LAUREN FITTER YOUTUBE CHANNEL

There are many exercises available online. I personally liked this 10-minute video. Lauren Fitter’s videos are straightforward, easy to do, and quick. She has a whole playlist of great videos, from beginner, intermediate, to advanced level, so anyone can find their fit.

Get out of the house

Eventually I started adding a 20 min jogging sessions to my weekend mornings, when my husband could stay with my son. I love my son very dearly, but he is with me all the time, so I enjoy having this time outside by myself, just for myself. And the endorphin rush from running (which I used to hate) made all the difference in how I parent for the rest of the day.

It doesn’t have to be running. Walking is an excellent exercise. But being outside helps to move the day along and feel refreshed.

Re-evaluate your previous go-toes

8. Find your season

Seasonal color analysis is becoming increasingly popular, and some of us instinctually lean towards colors that suit us best. Finding your season might be a game changer in how you look and feel about yourself. Color analysis explains how some colors exacerbate looking tired and can even make us look sick. On the other hand, the right colors will brighten our complexion, highlight our best features, and make us look refreshed and glowing. Exactly what we need post-partum.

There is a bunch of color analyzing apps (while helpful as a starting point, can’t be fully trusted), professional in-person services (which I have not done), and online forums (like this Reddit one, which I find very helpful). I believe I’m myself a summer, although not exactly sure which one. Most of my wardrobe was previously black, and some of my makeup was really warm, as the majority of makeup products that are available in the stores. So no wonder that my previous go-tos weren’t working as well on my new, mom-tired face. I ordered a bunch of cool toned (Korean) makeup, and some blue-pink hued clothes, and suddenly everyone started complimenting me.

COLORWISE ME WEB & APP

AI analysis is a great starting point, but it can yield inconsistent results. Pictures taken by phone can have different colors based on natural vs. artificial lighting, time of the day, camera adjustments, etc. With some initial results, we can start draping ourselves in colors we have at home, ask friends or family for opinions, or take it to an online forum. Or we can try different hued makeups.

I think seasonal color analysis is a cool way of re-evaluating some things we’re used to doing, that might not actually be doing us any favors. But I’m also not taking this to the extreme. And I am certainly not getting rid of my black clothes.

9. Invest in a big change

….if that’s what you want. This is super personal, so not everyone will agree. Some people don’t like the idea of altering natural appearance and injecting themselves with foreign substances. I believe we are beautiful the way we are, and we need to work on our confidence, mental health, and inner happiness first.

But if something bothers a person, it can be changed, and you can afford it, I’d say go for it. Like getting Invisalign, Botox or whatever it is. When I stopped breastfeeding, I got my LASIK surgery, a bit of Botox, and the tiniest (0.25 ml) amount of lip injections for my always chapped lips.

I’m not going to lie, it boosted my confidence and helped me feel like I did something just for myself. I was also going to get a tattoo, but it didn’t happen. Not having to wear glasses or lenses is just so convenient, and I don’t feel like I am hiding behind the glass anymore. Or like I’m blind without them.

10. Wardrobe that fits and brings joy

Update your wardrobe with things that fit and make you happy. We’ve all been there- holding on to our previous, smaller clothes and surviving in stretchy yoga pants until we “go back” to our “previous” figure. Refusing to accept the present reality can also sustain the negative, even hateful, image of our bodies.

But all of my mom-friends and I emphasize how having a well-fitted, new, and exciting wardrobe can make all the difference in how we feel. It might be a first step to overcoming that negative body-image. I’m not saying we need to throw anything away, and we can still work on our physical health goals. But there is no more pitiful feeling than trying to look cute going out and squeezing into jeans that just don’t fit.

11. Find or re-discover things that make you happy

Find things that bring you joy and add meaning to your life. As I mentioned before, I felt a bit of an identity crisis when I emerged out of that 4^th trimester. So I thought of things I used to do that brought me joy, the ones I maybe haven’t even done in a very long time. Things that made me feel, well, me. Some of them were drawing, reading books, and writing. My husband bought me a simple drawing tablet, and during my son’s naps, I made a board book for him. I started reading books that were pure fun, like fantasy and romance, not just parenting-related. And I launched this blog. I started giving myself more grace and trying to enjoy the process without striving for perfection. Well, still working on that part.

Whatever it is, I wish you a happy and healthy journey of self-discovery as a new mom! I would love it if you would like to share what changes worked best for you.