Crunchy, silky or scrunchy mom? Does motherhood need labels?

Parenting is a subject that touches our core, but it can also be a source of challenges and anxieties. Finding a like-minded community can validate our choices and serve as a source of information. However, it can also become an echo chamber and isolate us from others with different opinions. Three main sorting buckets or labels emerged in social media to describe mothering styles. We can be a Crunchy mom, a Silky mom, or something between those two—a Scrunchy mom.

I don’t like labels because they are often reductive, and as people, we are so much more than one thing. But they can also be extremely helpful. In the Internet environment, labels are keywords that help us find related, useful information. And they can help us find our people.

Crunchy moms are described as nature-oriented, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, organic-homemade-food-feeding moms. They might prefer unmedicated home births and even refuse to vaccinate their children.

On the other end of the spectrum is a Silky mom. She embraces modern technology and convenience products like tablets and disposable diapers. She might prefer to formula-feed and sleep-train the child.

The Scrunchy (not very creative name if you ask me) is a moderate of mom politics. She’s choosing from both worlds what suits her best. But what’s the key to her logic? Is there even one?

the right way to parent?

Is any party’s parenting better than others? Which one is the right one? Are crunchy moms good, and silky moms bad? Or the other way around? Why can’t Scrunchy mom just make up her mind ?

Well, she doesn’t have to. I don’t have answers to these questions. And I’m going to stop using political terms right here. What I dislike the most about today’s parenting world is how polarized it has become.

While most moms admit they want to make other mom friends, it’s tough out there. What these moms don’t say out loud is that they would like to make like-minded mom friends. We might quickly dismiss a potential newly met parent by one parenting style admittance that differs from ours. So even if we parent differently, can’t we still enjoy each other’s company?

Moderately crunchy and science-based?

Most parents try to do what they believe is best for their child. We base our choices on a variety of things. Our cultural background, family ways, pediatrician advice, education, the community we live in, childhood memories, preconceived notions, religion, intuition and even the state of our mental health all affect how we raise our children.

If I really had to put a label on myself, I would say I’m a moderately crunchy, scienced-based type of mother. I frequent both of these subreddits. Does it make me a hypocrite? I believe those two can go together. And Scrunchy sounds silly to me, and Scrunchy’s mom’s decisions seem to be made randomly. I just can’t identify with that label.

While I’m pulling from both parenting styles, my reasoning is usually guided by science and research. As a die-hard moderate (an oxymoron right here), I don’t usually do extremes. I also like to take care of my mental health by not setting impossible standards for myself. I believe my child will benefit from a happy, relaxed mother more than a perfect but stressed and maybe even emotionally unavailable mom.

Staying humble

What parenting taught me so far is that it will humble you and teach you every step of the way. You initially have an idea of exactly what kind of parent you want to be and what parenting style you want to follow—the things you will never, ever do.

But life has a way of putting us to shame, so there is no need for climbing too high on that horse. As humans, we are allowed to change our minds, educate ourselves, or cut ourselves slack occasionally.

If we pigeonhole ourselves too deeply in one kind of parenting philosophy, we might lose sight of what truly serves us and our families. Admitting to and owning our mistakes is a big part of personal growth.

Follow the data (& heart)

Parenting choices are not always straightforward. We might set our mind on something, but life might have other plans for us.

The order of decision-making factors for me is usually as follows:

1. What does science and research say about it? Does it seem like the best course of action, and if not, what is the next best thing?
2. Is it best for my child?
3. Does it feel right for me and my family?

Popular parenting philosophies, trends, social media, or other people’s parenting styles don’t phase me.

I breastfed my son for 2 years, co-slept with him (after he turned 6 months old), made homemade organic purees and food. I try to limit his exposure to plastic, heavy metals, and chemicals. We believe in mostly no screen time, dress our boy in 100% cotton or other natural fabrics and barefoot shoes. I mostly stopped using perfumes.

But my son and our whole family keep up to date with all the vaccines. Vaccines are as non-negotiable to our family as car safety is. I would be terrified to give birth outside of a hospital, and we use conventional medicine. Our “sins” are disposable diapers and occasional convenience food. When we felt our son was ready, we implemented very gentle sleep-teaching techniques. He transitioned to his crib (in our bedroom) at 1.5 years old.

Neither crunchy nor silky moms might want me. What does that make me? A human?

Breastfeeding or formula debate

Breastfeeding or formula feeding are not usually set decisions in a “grand master plan” of a pregnant woman. There is no such thing. Some women might choose upfront that breastfeeding is not for them (and that’s OK).

For others, health complications of the mom or the baby or a lack of necessary support might make it impossible, difficult, or painful (look up D-MER). Breastfeeding certainly was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

While breast milk is a perfect source of nutrition and comfort for a newborn, formula feeding is a valid option for millions of babies. Additionally, breastfeeding is not what makes or breaks a “good mom”. It is an infant feeding type. And something we can’t fully control.

The last thing new mothers need is to be shamed, judged, and villainized. I was a formula baby, and I’d like to think I’m OK. I’m healthy, educated, relatively successful (at least before being a SAHM), have started a beautiful family, and am happy.

I exclusively breastfed my son for 2 years. But it wasn’t a straightforward journey. My son was born with an oral tie, so breastfeeding was extremely painful (pink breast milk sounds way cuter than it is), and he had reflux, which made things even more difficult. I appreciated my husband being able to take over some of the night feeds using the bottle. I could sleep a bit and recover from my emergency C-section. We combo-fed our son for the first 3 months of his life until he ultimately rejected the bottle. I was an inexperienced fool to think I could fully control everything when my son was a baby. He often decided for us (or rather himself).

to sleep train or not?

My son was (still is) a terrible sleeper. A perfect child but a horrible sleeper. We, of course, ruled out all the health causes (like sleep apnea) with the help of doctors. You might think – why not sleep train? Or, if you’re from anywhere around the world other than the United States, you might even think – what is sleep training?

I won’t go in-depth here because it is a vast (and very controversial) subject. Any method of parent intervention to keep the baby sleeping independently (in a separate bed from the parents) might be considered sleep training.

Some people like to conclude that sleep training equals the infamous CIO = cry it out. But it’s a whole spectrum of methods from those considered harsh to more gentle. Outside of the spectrum is attending to every child’s cry, breastfeeding, rocking to sleep or cosleeping. Or the crunchy mom’s favorite- parent philosophy called “attachment parenting” (not to be confused with attachment theory), which also seems a bit extreme to me.

There is no conclusive research on whether sleep training is harmless or harmful for the babies and children. While I think there are better methods than full blown CIO (closing the door to the nursery and only picking up the child in the morning regardless of the child’s cries), I think as long as babies are healthy, safe, loved and cared for, every family should do what is best for them.

The only parent I try to judge is myself. Well, and maybe my husband.

Just not for me

I chose not to sleep train for a few reasons. Where I’m from, sleep training is not a thing, and culturally, children sleeping with their parents is a norm.

Secondly, I am privileged to be able to be a stay-at-home parent. I don’t have a formal job to go to in the morning (while I think raising kids is hard, respectful work) or other demanding commitments outside of my home life where I need to perform at my best.

And lastly, it just didn’t feel right to me. Hearing my son’s cry was causing a painful, almost physical response in my body. It felt like that’s not what my child, with his temperament, needed from me at the moment.

If co-sleeping, do it safely

I mentioned our son was never a good sleeper; the tongue tie and reflux only exacerbated it. As much as my husband was trying to help, because I was breastfeeding, I was often the only one able to calm our baby at night.

I read all about the dangers of bedsharing. I’m a big believer in safe sleep for babies. Firm mattress, in their own bed, on their back, no blankets, no bumpers, a (sober) parent in the room. This saves babies’ lives! I swore, “I would never co-sleep.” We even got the Snoo (automated bassinet), which I didn’t use for rocking, just for the safety of the fixed swaddle.

But my son was waking up every 30 minutes, and sleep deprivation was becoming unbearable. After months of this, when my son was 6 months old (I wasn’t comfortable with it earlier than that), and my postpartum anxiety was getting the best of me, I finally caved in and started bedsharing with my baby.

I think it’s essential to educate parents not only about its dangers, but also about ways to mitigate the risks.

I’m not trying to defend my choices; I’m just showing that there’s more to making decisions like that than trying to fit or not fit within the label of a “crunchy” mom.

The baby sleeping in its own bed is always the safest option. If we consider cosleeping on the same surface, implementing bed-sharing strategies like “Safe Sleep 7” is essential. It’s far more dangerous to fall asleep with a baby on a sofa or a rocking chair than on a flat, firm mattress on the floor with no loose bedding or soft pillows. But it’s not information that’s popular to give to new parents.

I wish all parents in this country to have better resources and government support. Sufficiently long, paid maternity and paternity leave, affordable access to healthcare, and postpartum and breastfeeding support and care should be part of our basic rights. Until then, how can we judge parents for sleep training?

Non-toxic lifestyle?

I try to limit plastics and harsh chemicals in our household, and in the products we eat, wear, and apply to our skin. I don’t think it’s really a granola/ crunchy mom realm, as these things are scientifically proven by countless research to cause adverse effects to our health and environment.

Yes, we used disposable diapers. My postpartum anxiety-ridden brain needed this one thing to be easy. Is it sustainable and best for my son? No. Call me a hypocrite, but it was what was best for us at the time.

Having an open, curious mind can be more beneficial than locking ourselves in one parenting “philosophy.” It’s also good to stay informed, educated, and course-correct as we gain new insight.

When I was younger, I operated with a sense of slightly misplaced trust and naivete that whatever was available to us in the stores, approved by the government, must be safe. I am a rule follower. I believe in science. You won’t catch me on slightly dark-web-ish mom forums and rookie Facebook groups.

However, I understood that laws and standards vary between countries. They don’t always immediately follow science, especially if a lot of money is on the line.

For example, I didn’t think twice about plastic baby bottles so widely available for children. I bought them. But now I know better, and If we have another baby, I will use glass bottles. Admit my mistake and course correct.

I’m not yet throwing all our plastic into the trash. I want to keep my sanity. But moving forward, I try to make better, informed decisions and, for now, improve bit by bit where it makes the most significant impact.

CONCLUSION

No one needs to say that, but it’s OK to parent in our own way. As long as our children’s best interest is at the heart of it, it’s nobody’s business. But our parenting style doesn’t need to become our brand or what we broadcast to the world at every opportunity. Unless I’m specifically asked, I try to keep my opinions to myself. Crunchy or not, what we can offer other parents, instead of unwanted advice, is kindness.